The Waiting Place

I reside in limbo
The place between now and then
It is sparse and dimly lit
I live here with only you
And we stare at our plates without words
And like always
I wait

We play chess
And it's always your turn
But you never go
Never move a single piece from our board
So I wait
And maybe when I cry out
From the pain of waiting so helplessly
For signs of life
Maybe then you make an absentminded move
And maybe one day you won't notice
You're in check-mate
And the game has ended

I wait for changes
Wait for new breaks
I wait for happiness again
But will I even recognize it?
I wait for things to be better
Things to be worse
Things to be
Maybe just be like they were
Before I knew I was waiting
Hoping, wishing so hard
For nothing at all

I am me again
Seasonal
But fixed like the Earth
In orbit
Around my sun

There's a flow
Like the tides
When I write
When I don't write
But after a dry spell
Words always do
Inch their way up
And wrap around my fingers
Urging me to write
Making their way
Onto this screen

But not now, words,
Not now that I'm happy
I'm happy
I'm happy
Don't threaten me with thoughts
Dont' taunt me with introspection
Can't you see
I'm happy?

If you have to be here
If you have to come out somehow
Then teach me how to
Stay in this season
Teach me the secret
To eternal fall
Teach me comfort
And teach me how to
Finally let go

Across the universe

My body is a cavern

A hollow vacuum, hungry

For elusive contentment

I am ravenous

I search

Cry out for you

I haunt you

And illuminate you

With light

Like perfect white stars

Pulsing around my head

Light you sent years ago

Finally reaching

The deepest part of me

No sooner than you came to me

You are gone

And I may never believe it's true

Why won't you let me say goodbye?

Instead you let me empty out

Like a breath into the atmosphere

I'll travel a million miles

To reach your supernova

I'll find your black hole heart

Only to be swallowed

Left again with nothing

But the insatiable hunger

For

more...

How must it feel
To be me
Older and still disconnected
Alcoholic and still unsuccessful
At so much in life

We are the same
So much I inherited from you
That I feel compelled to return to you
And tell you that everything
Turned out okay
In the end

I am you without your disease
You without your regrets
And disconnection
You with an education
A happy spouse
And future prospects
I am you without your roots
To a barren land
I am you with everything
You could ever imagine
Wanting in this life

You can put your faith in me
You can rest your hopes on me
I will carry your burdens
Along with my own
And I will take flight anyway

I am forging myself
Strong, folded steel
I will run
Until the me I always was
Melts away
I will become new
And strong
Like an artificial heart

You will not find
Who I was
Scattered along this road
I'm running
And you will not catch me
None of you will ever
Catch me
Because I will not grow tired
I will not fall
Again

And I'll never let you know me
Never let any of you know me
Or think you understand me
Again
I'll be on guard
Watchful soldier
I will run
Until you all forget
Who I never was