How must it feel
To be me
Older and still disconnected
Alcoholic and still unsuccessful
At so much in life

We are the same
So much I inherited from you
That I feel compelled to return to you
And tell you that everything
Turned out okay
In the end

I am you without your disease
You without your regrets
And disconnection
You with an education
A happy spouse
And future prospects
I am you without your roots
To a barren land
I am you with everything
You could ever imagine
Wanting in this life

You can put your faith in me
You can rest your hopes on me
I will carry your burdens
Along with my own
And I will take flight anyway

I am forging myself
Strong, folded steel
I will run
Until the me I always was
Melts away
I will become new
And strong
Like an artificial heart

You will not find
Who I was
Scattered along this road
I'm running
And you will not catch me
None of you will ever
Catch me
Because I will not grow tired
I will not fall
Again

And I'll never let you know me
Never let any of you know me
Or think you understand me
Again
I'll be on guard
Watchful soldier
I will run
Until you all forget
Who I never was

Independence Day

I discover myself
Buried
Suffocating under heavy sands
Choking on the tides
You bring to me
Try to water me like a garden
I'm an orchid
And these waters only wilt
My arid heart

You are blue
Oh, my love
You surround
And tie me down
With love
Like silly-string
Blue, my love
Like the absurd eyes
You cannot leave

I want to end every poem
With these lines
So true

At night
She hears the sounds of fire
Soldiers practice to fight wars
And it sounds like the 4th of July

Reprieve

You are
A mistake
I can never fix
Yellow friend
False friend
I know hate
Because I loved


And you are
The one who burns
In my secret fire
You burn with the old me
The smoke
Fills my life with the stench of
Regret
Regret that defines you

I gave you my secrets
You attacked
With lies
And I believed you
Believed you cared for me
But you wanted to break me
Break
Every
Bone
In the girl
I once was

I could blame you
For the burning mess
For the havoc
For the complete destruction
Of me

Instead I thank you
For letting me burn myself
And rebuild myself
Stronger and without
Any need for support
Without any need
For you

I thank you for
Teaching me about grudges
You know
Sometimes there should be
No reprieve

Spinning wheel

Today is not the day
To crumble
I tell myself
Leaned over the granite countertop
Staring at the puddle of tears
I’m not as strong as I want to be
As I seem to be
As I need to be

The moments of happiness in my life
Are like fireflies
Blinking in and out of sight
But now it’s dawn
And there’s nothing but ambient light
I picture the sun rising like a beacon behind me
And I just can’t turn around

But there is no sun behind me
No specks of light on the horizon
And tomorrow I’ll just run another circle
Around my spinning wheel
And pray that my work and effort will pay off
I want a life that teaches me humility
Instead of insulting my intelligence