Maybe it's really time

I can still see you
Blurred together with
All the tears
And all the years
Of love hoped for and love lost
And all the years of empty
Regret

You wouldn't have to say much
Don't have to say much
Don't have to say anything at all
To earn forgiveness and I'll forget
But still regret

There will be a place
Inside of me
That will never be whole
Until I see you free
Like the dreams of you
dancing in my memory
Like the clouds in my eyes
Like your eyes

We didn't have to say much
We don't have to say much
We don't have to say anything
At all
To forgive and forget
and regret

Why'd you leave me
Waiting here
Desicated
On the window sill
Waiting here
For you
To come back and say
Anything at all

You didn't have to say much
You don't have to say much
We don't have to say anything
At all
But I don't know
If I can
Forgive and forget
without regret

Back to life...

I thought long and hard about it, and I decided to stop thinking about it. Anything that is lurking in my life that would cause me to write poetry. I'm done struggling with demons for now. I'm too happy in other places in my head to stay there too long anyway. There will be a time in the future when I will face the pain in my life, but that time is not now. For now, I just live. And I go to the gym. But only for an hour a day now. I still love the gym, and I still have a serious desire to always be there, but when it started affecting my life in negative ways, and I realized I was actually addicted to it, I decided to rethink it. I, like most people out there, am striving for balance in life. Feeling guilty for not working out two hours one day is not balance. I am still working out everyday, but just for an hour. I like it for now. I miss my old schedule (creature of habit, if you didn't know that already) and I am sad that I'm having to give up my classes so I have time to train for the triathlons in June and August, but I signed up for them, and I better damn well be able to finish them. So tonight: Swimming. Anyway, that's just my life right now. Status: happy and less busy. Not writing poetry. Not being overly contemplative or pensive. Just being. We'll see how long this can last...

On the flip side, I am actually done planning my mom's trip to Italy. I'm helping my cousin out with a few details of her trip to England in a few weeks, and I should be getting to planning our prospective trip to Spain this October. I've been a beach bum lately, but it's not going to be too long (always around my anniversary) and I'm going to want some mountains. Back to planning...

Avoidance

Letters;
pages of blank
paper
with blank
intention
folding
until
gone

Words written
in dream's hand.
Written
without hope
for any truth
or intention.
Who taught me
such distrust?

Sometimes
it is a curse
to feel
anything at all.

Travel Agent...sort of...

While we sat around our lovely, centrally located Reykjavik apartment one day last month, I decided to breach the subject of my future. I've always been the sort of capricious person who can never seem to find her place in the world, and being that I am now too old to say I'm still "finding myself," I was just thinking that I should be settling into some idea of who/what I want to be in this life. This is a subject that I can't help but think about, generally at least once a day, but it came up then in particular after we met a fellow (never told us his name, that I can remember anyway) who moved from Reykjavik to Florida for several years, became certified in diving, and subsequently moved back to Reykjavik to start a diving tours group. He was really doing what he wanted to do, and anytime I meet someone who is so perfectly fitting into his place in life, I start to wonder about mine. I kick around idea after idea all the time, but I can never seem to find something that I feel like is worth spending my time and potentially money on. My husband, being the great person that he is, zeroed in on a great way for me to take my current interests or possible future careers(passions) and figure out if they're just passing phases (I have lots of these..) or if they're likely to stay around. He suggested doing these things on the side of my regular job right now (since life will just run much more smoothly if I keep a job until Steve gets out of school- then I can take time without worrying, and I can find my calling) So right now, I'm doing travel agent work. I still can't wrap my head around why people would pay other people to do this.. it's mostly just great fun to spend hours trying to find the perfect deals on the perfect places and plan a trip that will be both filled with fun and relaxing at the same time. Apparently it's daunting or just plain no fun for some folks. Not me! I think my favorite thing about planning is when there's a challenge. I myself am a budget, off season traveler. I also don't want to stay in hostels or nasty places and eat granola for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Planning travel requires extreme organization and an understanding of your clientele. Right now I'm planning a trip to Ischia, Rome, and Florence for my mother and Chris, and while it doesn't seem like much of an issue, there is still so much work that goes into it. I don't know that I'll ever plan a trip for someone who doesn't consider some sort of budget, so fitting as much as you can into that budget (which is ALREADY a specialty of mine!) is proving challenging. But this is just for now. If you have travel agent needs, contact me. I'll be finishing up my mom's trip soon, then helping with a few other friends' trips if they want, but otherwise I'm just waiting for someone who wants help. Maybe this is my calling? Who knows... For now, I'm just going to have fun with it.

Next passion: Exercise. Can you make a real, rewarding career of it? I'll be thinking on this one...

Ok, maybe I digress...

But only for the month of April by request of a friend. I will once again delve into the recesses of my mind and pull out some more of that poetry that I know is just waiting to get out. Suppression, you know. On the other side of my life, I have been too busy living to write since my last post, but soon, and maybe even today, I will get back to writing my life adventure blog. I have been having many adventures worth writing about. And since anyone who knows me knows that I am pretty much the worst storyteller in existence, this is the only way I can tell my stories with any sort of cohesion! Anyway, today's poem is entitled "Placebo."

"Placebo"

I never knew you physically
You are nebulous
Grey and still
A folded blanket
In an empty room
Grey and still

But you hold the power to kill me
To heal me
To shape me, ruin me, and start again
As a child at 85

You can tear me to pieces
Without weapons
Make me elated
Without drugs
Make me remember
Or make me forget...

You are all that I am
And yet more than I'll ever know
Beautiful
Horrible
Letters and numbers

You are my unwilling
Master
That I both love
And love to hate