Reprieve

You are
A mistake
I can never fix
Yellow friend
False friend
I know hate
Because I loved


And you are
The one who burns
In my secret fire
You burn with the old me
The smoke
Fills my life with the stench of
Regret
Regret that defines you

I gave you my secrets
You attacked
With lies
And I believed you
Believed you cared for me
But you wanted to break me
Break
Every
Bone
In the girl
I once was

I could blame you
For the burning mess
For the havoc
For the complete destruction
Of me

Instead I thank you
For letting me burn myself
And rebuild myself
Stronger and without
Any need for support
Without any need
For you

I thank you for
Teaching me about grudges
You know
Sometimes there should be
No reprieve

Spinning wheel

Today is not the day
To crumble
I tell myself
Leaned over the granite countertop
Staring at the puddle of tears
I’m not as strong as I want to be
As I seem to be
As I need to be

The moments of happiness in my life
Are like fireflies
Blinking in and out of sight
But now it’s dawn
And there’s nothing but ambient light
I picture the sun rising like a beacon behind me
And I just can’t turn around

But there is no sun behind me
No specks of light on the horizon
And tomorrow I’ll just run another circle
Around my spinning wheel
And pray that my work and effort will pay off
I want a life that teaches me humility
Instead of insulting my intelligence

Love in Mexico

We had dreams and reasons
No concept of failure
No idea of success
Or that in the end
More than anything else
Life meant compromise
And waiting

I hugged your wet skin
My bare cheek and soaked hair
Clinging to your back

Speeding in an old rented scooter
Riding until the storm was behind us
I wore colors like you wore nothing
And we danced through the sand
Wasn't it so cliche
How it felt to be in love
In Mexico

I posed for bikini photos
Pale from Mississippi winter
But proud and feeling beautiful
Your wife
She looks just like a model
The cleaning lady said to us
I blushed and blamed the photographer
But I remember
Believing her anyway

When did I change
Become disenchanted
Grow up
And lose me
And why can I forgive everyone
For everything
Except me
For anything

When I stand before you
I see myself
No-I see who I want to see
At that very moment

When my world is sky blue
And my heart is lighter than helium
I see me beautiful
With a sunbeam smile
And eyes like the cloudless sky
Yes, I can love me, too

When my world is a rainstorm
Torrid floods smear my face
Distort and appall me
I am a pallid ghost
The clouds cast ashen shadows
Across my empty expression

What is it that others see
I often wonder
If I change like the capricious heavens
Making and remaking myself
Until I'm satisfied with me

In Search of Life

In the Great Salt Lake
They say
There is little life
Tiny microorganisms
Lacing the bottom depths
In an otherwise desolate hole

I know that team of scientists
Determined to find something
Where there is apparently nothing
Wading through years of possibilities
To find dead end staircases
Analyzing meaningless data
And coming to false-hope filled conclusions
Finding real life is so very difficult